More Post-Valentine's Day Dating Advice for Couples

Post-Valentine’s Day greetings! Keeping romantic fires burning is a challenge, so here is more Post-Valentine's Day Advice for Couples -- or more specifically, middle-aged longtime married couples/partners. For kicks, please read my tips from last year (Part 1, Part 2) and 2012.

Driving Date: Imagine riding in back of a horse-drawn carriage through Central Park (but not behind Rusty, Kramer's sick horse on Seinfeld) or zooming through the countryside in a convertible! The Olney version would be being chauffeured by a newly licensed (but safe) teenage driver through Route 108 or Georgia Avenue traffic.

Foodie Dining Date: Try a new type of restaurant cuisine. Enjoy the atmosphere of low romantic lighting ... but bring a flashlight so you can read the menu and see what you're eating. 

Pre-meal Exercise Date: If you have to wait for a table at the restaurant, take a brisk walk around the block to chat while burning off calories before tucking into your gourmet meal.

Or eat in with home-cooked meal. First buy ingredients on a Foodie Shopping Date: find gourmet food at Roots or try less expensive fare at one of Olney's grocery stores: Giant, Safeway, Harris Teeter and Shopper's. For the cheapest food in bulk, try Costco or Sam's Club. You two will have plenty of time to chat while waiting in the checkout line.

Fashion Date: Inspired by Richy Slyons' post "I can see clearly now, whoa", I thought a fun and creative date could be a trip to the optical store to try on different styles of reading glasses. 

Faux Jetsetter Date: Renew expired passports at local (i.e., Ashton, Brookeville, Derwood, Aspen Hill) post offices that accept and process passport applications.

Nesting Date: Visit friends at Leisure World and gawk at the amenities. Count the number of years until the kids move out of the house and you two are old enough to move there.

May the flames of romance continue to burn throughout 2017! 

Show Business in Olney Businesses

Names of many Olney businesses and organizations bring to mind of famous movies, plays, TV shows and songs. Three recent allusions that I noticed include:

• Sardi’s Fusion: When I first heard a Sardi’s was opening here, I wondered if by any chance it was related to the legendary theatre district establishment Sardi’s. After all, Olney does have its own Equity theater (see #3). 
• My Fair Lady Consignment Boutique: Decorated with Audrey Hepburn photos, the shop conjures up images from the delightful film and musical where  “The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain!”
• Tallulah Bankhead cottage: A 9/28 OBX discussion revealed this nickname for the tiny house next to the Olney Theater Center where Bankhead, Ian McKellen and other actors stayed.

In addition to this trio of pop culture references,  I found more connections: 

1. Over the Rainbow Spa: one can't help but hear Judy Garland warbling this ballad from The Wizard of Oz 
2. Serenity Zone Med Spa: Find tranquility here or watch Frank Costanza (Seinfeld) yell “Serenity now!” 
3. Mamma Lucia: Mamma Mia! the musical, movie and the original source, ABBA’s hit song 
4. Field of Screams: a Clueless Joe would miss this reference to the movie Field of Dreams 
5. The Solana Olney: Solaris, an early George Clooney vehicle directed by Steven Soderbergh 
6. Sisters’ Sandwiches & Such: Making Sandwiches, a short film written and directed by Sandra Bullock 
7. Blueberry Garden Healing Center: a person can seek wellness here but “I found my thrill, on Blueberry Hill” 
8. Five Guys Burgers and Fries: Five Guys Named Moe, a rollicking Broadway revue soon to play at Arena Stage 
9. Mannequin Pis: Mannequin, an 80’s flick movie starring Andrew McCarthy and Kim Cattrell 
10. Our House: a residential training center probably saner than U.K. band Madness’s tune Our House 
11. For Three Sisters: a breast cancer awareness and support group more uplifting than Chechov’s play Three Sisters 
12. The Big Greek Café: My Big Fat Greek Wedding, a romantic comedy with Nia Vardolas and John Corbett 
13. Rescued by Girl Friday: the Howard Hawks classic His Girl Friday with Cary Grant and Rosaline Russell 
14. Cutt n’ Loose: a barbershop whose name conjures up Kenny Loggin’s song from the 1984 Kevin Bacon hit Footloose (later adapted into a musical and remade with Dancing with the Stars’ Julianne Hough

Who knew that Olney was infused with so much pop culture?

The Donation Jar Dilemma

Before the swimming season ended, our team held a informal barbecue dinner where each family donated $10. I entered the team's kitchen area to contribute my share, spied a jar labelled "Donations" and told the mother in charge of food that I was donating my money. Waving a $20 bill, I was just about to put it in the jar and take out $10 in change ... when she turned around to answer a question in the kitchen.


I paused awkwardly, not sure what to do. I couldn't leave all $20 in jar, but I also didn't want to rummage for change and look like I was stealing from the jar. Glancing around self-consciously, I cleared my throat and asked, "Uh, I have this $20 bill. Can I get change from the jar?" The food mom turned around briefly and smiled, "Sure." Then I repeated for good measure to everyone within earshot, "I'm putting in $20" so I'd feel less foolish/look less guilty fishing $10 out of the jar.


Then I realized that I was having a Seinfeld moment -- like George at the pizza store in "The Calzone" episode. Just when George puts cash into a tip jar, the cashier looks away to answer a question in the kitchen. Of course George then tries to grab it back but the cashier turns around, thinks that George is stealing from the jar, and then chases him from the pizza store waving a huge metal pizza spatula. 


These incidents bring up the familiar philosophical question of "When a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" Well, if a person puts money into a donation/tip jar when no one is looking, does it count? I think so but obviously George didn't. Bon appetite! 

Where are the Muffin Stumps?

The other night, I was enjoying coffee with a friend at Panera when I noticed she was eating something that looked like cake -- only it was not cake. Was it bread? No. Was it a big spongy cookie? No. A muffin? Close -- it was a muffie! "What is a muffie?" you ask. Essentially, a muffie is a muffin top -- where the muffin spreads out minus the stump.

I immediately thought of "The Muffin Tops" Seinfeld episode, when Elaine sold muffin tops at the store "Top of the Muffin To You" where she'd bake the whole muffin, pop off the top and throw out the stump... or at least tried to until the homeless shelter, the sanitation department and even the dump would not take the stump. The homeless shelter lady yelled at Elaine, "Why don't you just drop off some chicken skins and lobster shells."

Panera and the Fair Hill shopping center are so pristine and new that I could not imagine bags of muffin stumps littering the premises. So where are the muffin stumps? On my next weekly shopping trip to Giant, in the frozen food aisle I spied Vitatops 100-Calorie Muffin Tops! Giant's frozen food aisle is near the fish counter -- maybe the muffin stumps are with the lobster shells.

Bodies, Rest and Motion

At the pool the other day, I discussed with a neighbor the merits of different swimsuit styles. My neighbor noted that she prefers stylish one-pieces to the skort tankini she usually wears to chase after her non-swimming yet fearless tyke.

Interesting point: some styles (i.e., bikinis, low- and high-cut tanks) look better on a person who is standing or sitting, but NOT moving. However, if the person wants to be active, a stable garment with more coverage is needed. Lounging in a poolside chair calls for a different kind of swimsuit than one worn while chasing kids, swimming, bending over, squatting ... you get the picture.

Actually, you may not want to get the picture. Our sartorial discussion reminded me of the Seinfeld episode "The Apology," when Jerry's girlfriend walked around in the nude. Instead of enjoying the clothes-free situation, Jerry realized that when she coughed, crouched down or tried to unscrew a jar, her body was not so attractive. He told George, “There's good naked and bad
 naked."

Likewise, my neighbor and I concluded that there are good swimsuits (sturdy tops, skirted bottoms) and bad swimsuits (string bikinis, skimpy one-pieces) when bodies are not at rest, but in motion.

Easy Rider

Now that Bowie Mill Road has been repaved, I love driving on it. To me, the “smoother than a baby’s bottom” ride has been worth the one-lane traffic and weather-related construction delays. The only bump that could mar such street sleekness would be a talking bump – like the one in "The Pothole" Seinfeld episode, when George dropped his Phil Rizzuto keychain in a pothole that was later paved over ... a bump which shouted, “Holy Cow!” whenever a car ran over it.

I am glad that the Bowie Mill makeover is complete in every sense of the word. A friend’s street was recently repaved by PEPCO (or another one of those ubiquitous companies digging up the roads in Olney) in what she describes as “a half-a—ed job.” Literally. I drove down her street and sure enough, exactly one half of the street is dark and even while the other half is gray and pocked. I wouldn't be surprised if drivers spoiled by Bowie Mill Road would mistakenly drive down the wrong side of the road on her street just to stay on the smooth side. Come to think of it, I might have done just that. Luckily there was no oncoming traffic.

Thirteen Ways of Delivering a Line

A recent experience reminded me of the Wallace Stevens poem, "Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird." No, I wasn't bird watching, but people watching. At my child's elementary school, I observed energetic students audition for a part in the school musical. Each student had to deliver the line "No, I won't do it" three times but each time expressing a different emotion. The teacher would instruct each auditionee, "You are feeling..." and then give him or her feeling (i.e, happy, sad, angry, bored, shy, etc.). The most difficult sentiment for these courageous kids to play was "love"; the boys seemed especially squeamish to act out this "sappy" emotion. I was a little relieved that most students did not understand the feeling of "grief," hopefully from lack of experience in this area. The 10-yr-old thespians' vivid and diverse vocal, facial and bodily interpretations of this single line ("No, I won't do it." "NO, I WON'T DO IT!" "No, I won't do it…") were incredibly funny and moving.

Another parent assisting with the auditions suggested that if the teacher ever tired of hearing over and over “No, I won't do it,” the teacher could substitute, “These pretzels are making me thirsty." That was Kramer's line in a Woody Allen movie during "The Alternate Side" Seinfeld episode. Ha! For once I was not the first person to make a Seinfeld connection to real life.

Multitasking in the Shower

A friend (J) and I were admiring the recently renovated bathroom of another friend (K). Peeking at K's newly tiled shower, J spotted a small recessed square in the wall opposite of the shower head. She exclaimed, "A shelf for shampoo! I had one put in too! My husband joked that it was a beer shelf, not a shampoo shelf."

That little alcove is such a clever use of space for storing small items, I thought. Then I noticed a triangular slab of marble protruding from the stall's corner. A bench! You can sit down while washing, I mused.

Imagine swigging a beer while taking a load off of your feet, all under massaging jets of hot water. K's shower stall beats Kramer's shower in "The Apology" Seinfeld episode. Sure, he may have tossed a salad in his shower equipped with a garbage disposal, but could he put up his feet and have a drink? Okay, the shelf is really for shampoo...

What's in a Name? Part II

Last month, fellow blogger Estelle Yetti noted the OBX listserv's the thread about professionals' ironic surnames (i.e., Dr. Needles, the pediatrician; B. Lawless, the lawyer; Sparky, the electrician). She posed a valid question: "Dr. Butts, the gastroenterologist (that has to be a joke, right?)" That moniker may or may not be true, but at least it is more innocuous than what the proctologist in a Seinfeld episode named his boat and put on his vanity plate: A--man.

Speaking of doctors, my feet have been bothering me; perhaps I'll follow my ballet teacher’s suggestion and see her podiatrist: Dr. Footer.

Dude, Where's My Car?

No parking lot in Olney is large enough to misplace your car. You have to hike across the TJ Maxx/Shoppers lot if you try to combine clothes and grocery shopping, but you'll never really lose sight of your vehicle. You can always spot your car in front of the CVS shopping center even though navigating through that lot resembles a game of Frogger. People who snag an open space in the post office's postage-stamp-sized parking lot can't lose their car if they tried. On the other hand, if you have trouble spotting your car in the underutilized (and thus seemingly vast) parking lots at Safeway or Roots, then you must have forgotten what your car even looks like.

However, even when you do remember what your car looks, you might not be able to find it once you leave Olney. Yesterday I took my kids to DC and parked at Union Station. After a few hours of traipsing from one museum to another, we straggled back to the garage and entered "The Parking Lot" Seinfeld episode. Despite reciting "Level 1, Stairs 2," I could not for the life of me locate our car (which, in case you haven't already figured out, was on the first level by the second stairwell). Just as Kramer hauled around his new air conditioner, I carried one of my exhausted elementary-school-age offspring. My older child needed to go to the bathroom like Jerry and George did, but I didn't want an officer to catch anyone urinating in a dark corner (as Jerry and George were). Finally, like Elaine in dire need of getting her pair of goldfish home before they die, I had a pair of kids about to fall asleep ... and I would have died if I had to carry both of them back to our still-invisible car.

After about 20 minutes (shorter than a Seinfeld episode!), I located our car and (luckier than the Seinfeld characters) successfully started the car. Fifteen dollars later, I escaped from the garage and was on my way back to Olney... where the parking is free.

The Heat!

These dog days of summer are more aptly named the St Bernards of the sauna season. Whenever I exit an air-conditioned building, I feel like I've stepped out of a refrigerator and climbed into an oven. Just the other day, as I dragged myself out of the frigid (but oh so comfortable) Giant and was smacked in the face with a wall of baking air, I suddenly heard a voice in my head scream, "The heat! My God, the heat!" I almost started laughing in the parking lot as I recognized this plaintive cry; in the Seinfeld episode called "The Burning," Elaine yells to boyfriend Puddy, "I'm going to h-ll! The worst place in the world. With devils and those caves and the ragged clothing. And the heat! My God, the heat!"

Now of course Olney is nowhere near the worse place on earth! The "devils" are harmless but mischievous little tykes, the local "caves" (Crystal Grottoes Caverns in Boonsboro, MD and Lurray Caverns in Virginia) offer oases for cooling off, and "ragged clothing" in the form of t-shirts, tank tops, shorts, and bathing suits rule! However, I can't escape the St Bernards of summer any more than I can stop hearing Elaine's voice -- "The heat! My God, the heat!"